“It is so easy to lie and tell everyone you’re okay. To put on a smile and act like everything is fine. Mental illness can be so easy to cover up at times.”

Laura is an Anorexia and Depression warrior and has been journaling her journey back to wellness on Instagram. She writes candidly, from her heart and without inhibitions. She is as direct about her bad days as she is about her good days. And as one of her 10,000+ followers, I cheer her on her progress and pray for her when she has a setback.

I connected with her on Instagram after she liked one of my mental health awareness posts. I’m glad that I did. I’m grateful that I made the acquaintance of someone so brave, strong and unstoppable. It is a daily inspiration to follow her posts!

I suggest you follow her at laura_fights_back to understand this beast of mental health problems in its entirety.

Mental health disorders are not the affliction of the weak; it is not something to be snapped out of with iron will; and it is not shameful. It is bigger than resolve, logic, or character. It is a demon that lies to you, isolates you and drains you.   

Here are a few posts by Laura that explains this much better than I ever could. I have picked a few from her page that affected me the most–made me think the most. I’ve presented them here in no particular chronological order.

I thank her for readily and gracefully giving me the permission to use her posts.

Being Skinny

From the ravages of the eating disorder to the ascent of cautious hope–this post, along with the stunning picture, talks about an arduous journey. This was not a condition to “move on” from, but a daily pitched battle, in which you win some and you lose some.

“…I look at the photo on the left and I remember how empty I felt. How I desperately longed to eat but being skinny was so much more important than feeling full… ⠀⠀

But it wasn’t enough. It was never enough. I would sit most nights in front of this mirror taking photos of myself. Disgusted in the way I looked. No matter how much weight I had lost the voice in my head wouldn’t have been happy. It would still have demanded more...⠀

But I’ve come to realise that your weight doesn’t define your happiness. The amount of weight you lose doesn’t equate to how happy you feel. If anything, the amount you lose relates to the life you also lose from being controlled by an eating disorder. Just because I have gained weight doesn’t make me worthless or useless like my eating disorder wants me to believe. It doesn’t make me a failure or unloveable. It doesn’t make me weak. It makes me strong. Stronger than the voices in my head that are trying to destroy me.”

Happier Girl

From real happiness to the trap of “everything is fine” to the journey of recovery –this warrior had gone to the end of hell and back. And is here to tell us that being genuinely happy is worth it!

…In the depths of my eating disorder it had convinced me that I was happy. That everything was fine and that what I was doing was normal. I remember taking that photo a year ago, honestly believing I was okay and I was happy. But looking back at it now I can see it was all a lie.

Every day is a struggle, every meal is a struggle, every bite is a struggle. But it is a struggle I will never give up on because it is worth it to get my life back. To get back to that girl I used to be 7 years ago. Even during the hardest of times, recovery is worth it. Recovery will always be worth it because everyone deserves happiness. Eating disorders don’t bring you happiness, only recovery can do that. No matter how hard it gets, never give up because one day you will look back and realise it has all  been worth it.“

Throwback

“from a Halloween night out at uni 6 years ago. Good times and lots of amazing memories from a better time in my life. The size of the smile on my face shows how happy I was back then ☺️“

Social Anxiety

This poignant and poetic post brought tears to my eyes. Mental health issues are not easy guys. Be kind and compassionate to yourself and others who are struggling.

“This morning I hung my washing out nice and early so it could dry before going into town this afternoon as I knew it was forecast to rain later. Before heading into town I went to bring it in but saw my neighbour was in her garden and I didn’t want to have to talk to her so I thought I would risk leaving it out but of course it rained and now I’m back from town I can’t make my bed because my bedding is wet… social anxiety can really suck at times“

Unplanned Eating

“I took on a massive challenge this morning and ate unplanned cake at work!!! I only managed half of it but eating something without weighing it first or without knowing the calories is a massive fear of mine. Feeling guilty now but also feeling very proud of myself. And it was totally worth it as it was yummy“

Xmas Dinner

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the assessment that something else is more important than fear.” – Franklin D. Roosevelt

“Last night I went out for a Christmas meal with work colleagues. It was planned about a month ago and I had been worrying ever since. I had been trying to think of ways I could get out of it. I spent hours studying the menu. Sleepless nights spent researching the calories in each dish on the menu. We were going to a Thai restaurant and I had never had Thai food before so it was all completely unknown to me which was terrifying. ⠀⠀

Eventually I decided on what dish I was going to order. But then I was worrying…what if the menu was different to the one I had seen online? What if they didn’t have that dish? What if they had run out of ingredients? There was so much stress and planning ahead of what should have been a nice and simple meal out with work colleagues. ⠀⠀

When we got to the restaurant and I got sat down everything was so overwhelming. There were only 6 of us, but it’s more people that I’ve eaten in front of for a long time and it was so daunting 😰. I was on the end of the table and I just wanted to run away and escape. But I stayed and I ordered the sweet and sour stir fry with vegetables and I actually managed to eat most of the dish.

Its’ OK to rest

Battles not fought are not lost; simply battles not worth fighting for.

“…But it is okay to rest. It is okay to spend days in bed. It is okay to listen to your body and give it the valuable time it needs to recover. A day in bed resting is not a day wasted. It is a day spent doing exactly what your body requires. It can be very easy to push on and ignore what your body is trying to tell you but I know from experience that will only make you feel worse in the end. ⠀⠀

So this weekend I plan on doing absolutely nothing and recharging my batteries. It is bloody exhausting living with physical and mental illnesses, but it is so important to look after yourself and to listen to what your body needs. It won’t make your problems go away but it will make them a hell of a lot easier to deal with.”

Author’s note: Remember the old story from Mahabharata about Karna, who remained stoic after being stung by a bee in order not to disturb his guru Parashurama? Do you remember how it all turned out? Parashurama figured that Karna had lied to him and cursed that Karna will forget the method of warfare when he needed it the most. And that’s how Karna dies in the end.

Being stoic and heroic is not always the right thing to do. Don’t suffer in silence. Reach out to someone today.