My biggest and pettest peeve is that I don’t get listened to the way I would like to be. Not often enough.  

Over the past couple of days, I’ve been chatting with friends and realize that nobody is being listened to the way they would like to. The world is completely devoid of that warm, accepting, comfortable and clearly mythical space where we could open up uninhibitedly and with the hope that we would be understood.

Whoa! Is the world really so inhospitable?

That sounds improbable, so here’s my next hypothesis: we are all such asshole listeners because we just don’t know how to be cool listeners.

We don’t know how to check out the weight of our own experiences, world views and problems at the door and walk in with unconditional love and acceptance. It all sounds very high-faultin’ and fancy anyway, innit?

So, my brethren, for your assimilation and mine, here’s a primer of How Not to Be THAT Person Who Annoys the shit Out of Us.

Don’t be a Disbelieving Duck-billed Platypus!

Look at Trina. Trina has a wide circle of friends. She likes all her friends. She enjoys her lifestyle. Trina doesn’t believe mental illness is possible in her circle. She believes that good diet, good work, exercise, avoidance of drama, assertiveness and work-life balance keep mental illness away. She doesn’t believe any of her friends or family suffer from any mental health issues. Trina lives in a pink bubble that smells of strawberries. She is difficult to reach. Don’t be like Trina.

Look at Freddy. Freddy has a wide circle of friends too. He knows that mental health is a global public health hazard. He has been reading various articles and research about the growing menace of mental health issues, especially in India. He knows that it can happen to anyone at any point. He keeps an eye out for his friends and family who might show some signs of distress. He finds an opportunity to check on them regularly. Freddy is awesome. Be like Freddy.

Don’t be a Dismissive Diplodocus!

Look at Suresh. Suresh prides himself to be a practical realist. He knows that it is easy to bootstrap oneself out of depression. He has examples from his and other people’s lives about how to handle it. He usually exhorts people to get over the problem and themselves quickly and not wallow in silly dramas. Suresh knows nothing. He is like the old king Dhritarashtra. Don’t be like Suresh.

Look at Sheila. Sheila understands that some emotions cannot be snapped out of until they run their course. She understands that people with chronic problems such as Major Depression or Bipolar Disorder have long spells of unhappy emotions. She is compassionate. She tries to do little things in her powers to help such people. Sheila tries to hold space for them. She knows how to walk with them silently. Sheila is a wonderful friend. Be like Sheila.

Don’t be an Insensitive Interplanetary Goat!

Look at Sana. Sana has problems. She has no time. She just wants to get things on her agenda done. She would prefer not to confront unpleasant emotions. She often misses out on other people’s emotions around her. She is not able to judge when someone around her is anxious, depressed, quieter than usual, behaving out of character, sleep deprived, or nervous. She is unable to perceive the depth of the problem when someone tells her that they are feeling out of it. Sana has her head up in her ass. Don’t be like Sana.

Look at Daya. Daya is not afraid of uncomfortable emotions.He experiences them himself. He accepts that some days are peachy while others are leaky. He has his friends’ backs. He is able to judge when any of his friends or loved ones are not their usual selves. He slows down to check on them. He listens to them without judgment. Daya understands that mental health is a common problem and everybody has a role to play in handling it. He is wonderful. Be like Daya.

Don’t be a Judgmental Jellyfish!

Look at Jai. Jai is very pleased with himself and his achievements. He identifies with his milieu and context. He is a conformist. He has no imagination. He cannot accept that any way of existence other than the one he is conforming to is possible. He judges everyone who is not like him as too dumb, too flaky, too fat, too loserish, too weird or too weak. Jai is a nitwit. It is impossible to talk to him about any problem. Don’t be like Jai.

Look at Alpa. Alpa is a peaceful person. She is genuinely interested in people around her. She understands that everyone has their own personalities, journeys and level of emotions. She respects other people’s struggles. She understands that there are many ways of having coffee. When people talk to her about their problems, Alpa focuses on their emotions rather than the content of what they are saying. She is easy to talk to. Be like Alpa.

Don’t be a Patronizing Poltroon!

Look at Mia. Mia has figured life out. She has all the answers. She can fix anybody’s problem. Mia is hugely deluded. But that doesn’t stop her from offering unsolicited advice and solutions. She has no patience for emotional dramas. Mia is difficult to talk to because she would rather give solutions than listen. She is plain annoying. Don’t be like Mia.

Look at Kumar. Kumar is a humble person. He knows he doesn’t have all the answers. He also believes it is not his job to solve other people’s problems. He listens to people quietly, without interrupting. He focuses on the distress the person is feeling rather than fixing the situation. Kumar is easy talk to. Be like Kumar.

Tail Ender

It seems like our society somehow doesn’t acknowledge the validity of unpleasant emotions. Probably, it is considered vulgar to display them in polite and civilized company. While I was growing up, I was repeatedly told that “mood out” was a bad thing.

Swallowing hurts and tears is celebrated. Resilience is misunderstood as the absence of lows. Cheerfulness that doesn’t put any pressure of empathy or sympathy on others is considered the epitome of noble behavior.

This unfortunately cloaks the fact that India is the world’s most depressed nation. It is definitely time to change our attitude about “moods”.

No, I’m not recommending that our living rooms become operatic theaters. I’m just calling out for a little more acceptance and acknowledgement of unhappy emotions. I’m asking for a little more empathy to someone who is struggling.

Don’t let anyone (including us) suffer in silence.

Note: The swear words are all Captain Haddock’s. I hope other fans recognize them. 🙂 Once again, all cartoons have been added here in the spirit of curating them because I found them funny. They are the property of the owners.